Mr. Average Guy could use help with little things in life
Updated: July 12, 2012 6:26PM
Once again I am the belle of the ball.
It happens every four years when the Democrat and Republican presidential candidates court me — the Average American.
Whatever that means.
Because, like you, in some ways I am above average, average in others and below average in other others.
But, they woo us as if we were one. If I vote for this candidate I will become healthy, wealthy and wise. If I vote for the other guy, well, did you ever hear of the fall of the Roman empire?
What I am is one guy among millions. And I know that the results of the upcoming election will probably not make me healthy, wealthy or wise.
Not that election results don’t matter. They matter very much. But in a macro way.
Some micro help would be nice, too.
As one of millions of guys it would be pleasant if my life could be just a little more placid, less of a struggle on a daily basis.
I guess I’m saying I’d like a few more guy rights. Such as:
1. Guys determine the fitness of their own underwear. Just because it has holes in it doesn’t mean it isn’t underwear.
2. All colors go with all colors. Thus, it would violate local ordinance for a woman to tell a man, “You’re not going to wear THAT with THAT!’’
3. Because men don’t live as long as women, it logically follows that men are entitled to absolute control of the TV.
4. Guys determine when clothes are worn out. Just because a shirt has holes in it doesn’t mean it isn’t a shirt.
5. Pie, spaghetti, pizza and Coke are officially recognized as acceptable breakfast foods.
6. Because men don’t live as long as women, logically it follows that men should select the movies they see.
7. “Uh huh,’’ “Yeah,’’ “OK’’ and “Hmmm’’ are perfectly acceptable responses to any question.
8. Guys determine when shoes are worn out. Just because it has holes in it doesn’t mean it isn’t a shoe.
9. Because men don’t live as long as women, it follows that men must take a nap immediately after dinner.
10. The law officially recognizes the guy motto:
I’ll get around to it.